with all due respect

It’s been a long time since I have written here. I had great aspirations to write everyday and to be this prolific blogger. But alas life has happened and reality set in. Recently I’ve been dealing with work, children and conflictions.

You may ask what has happened to get me to delve back into this all and maybe you haven’t but I’ll tell you anyways. In dealing with this past breakup I have, as we often due, started to reevalute who I am as a person. I am fully aware of myself as a parent but I have started to question who I am as a woman, a biracial person and as a working adult. I have forged new friendships and divorced toxic relationships. I have also come to a point of realizing that taking time and doing for myself is not selfish but truly necessary.

With that being said this past week I have come face to face with the reality that I am a single biracial mother in a world set up to make me question all that I am and all that I once believed was not that important. I’ve spent my time dealing with realizing how black I am at work and how black I’m not in the hairsalon. I’ve been dealing with deadbeat fathers that are so self absorded that they have no idea that are deadbeat. I’ve been dealing with a raising a 13 year old girl learning that the world is indeed a cruel place. I’ve been dealing with raising a 11 year old son that has testosterone flowing through his viens and nothing but women surrounding him. I’ve been dealing with making the best money I ever have in my life from the very people I’ve been trying to avoid. I’m telling you all this because with all that going on I have come across a book that has opened my eyes even more to these struggles within myself that I thought were only mine and have some to realize are struggles for every woman that has grown up in the past few decades… Sister Souljah’s book “No Disrespect”.

This book has motivated me and inspired me to talk about my new journey in finding myself as a person, women of color and mother. I’ll admit that I am a writer that rarely reads. Before I always thought it was because I never had time or was too tired. But the second I started reading this I haven’t been able to stop. I’ll admit that I’m not quite finished with the second chapter but being that the chapters are about 50 pages I feel quite accomplished.

What first got me to question things was within her first chapter called “Mother”. In it she discusses her realtionship with her mother and eventually the struggle she had when she came to realize the contradictions within what she raised to believe. One thing that hit home for me was that her mother always taked about not having sex, pregnancy ruins a women’s life and that marriage doesn’t work. The infamous “don’t get pregnant and don’t believe in marriage” lines have definitley flown form my mouth. Souljah within the same chapter talks about how her mother never explained to her what she should be looking for in a realitionship and that gave her no guidance in knowing what love is. Then it hit me. I’ve never said that pregnancy will ruin your life but I have said that it should be avoided until you fall in love. But how can I truley say that without knowing myself what love is? How can I tell my children that sex is natural and fine within context if I never talk about the context?

So here I am. With more questions then answers and motivation to write again. So while I’ll give no promises of daily writing or if I’ll ever answer the questions that come upon me reading this book oe just with life in general. I have been motivated to write and that is simply enough for me….

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