Let’s be Honest…

So I wanna tell you a secret. I’m a walking contradiction. True, many might not be surprised but it’s my truth none the less. You see when I had started to write “Off the Wagon” it was going to be about me not getting to write everyday. I was going to talk about how rigorous my days are and sleep just sneaks up on me. I was going to talk about how my life has taken hold and how hard it is to form the new habit of writing. I was going to blab on about how caught up I had gotten with getting a new job and grieving a old friend’s death.
But as I sat today getting caught up in a episode of Jersey Shore I realized that I really do have the time. I’m just getting in my own way. I think that’s why that piece became about smoking. Yes, I really needed to get that all off my chest. More so because I was doing one of the things I’m really good at… contradictions. I was writing that blog and saying my spiel about not using a slip in discretion as a way to go back to zero. All the while, being aware that when I told myself it was okay to not write everyday, that I was going to milk it for all that it was worth.
Yes, there were a couple of nights when I crashed out at 10 o’clock at night. On the other hand, there were plenty of mornings that I got up at 7. Yes, I am the mother of three and one of my kids is a few months old. So time is hectic but the whole purpose of doing this was to get some personal time to focus on something else I love. (I did talk about habits and breaking them, so at least I held to one of my intentions.) Sure I did get a new job that could honestly change my life. No it’s not the work that will alter the world but it’s the notion of actually making money that has me the most excited. Yet, that really has nothing to do with writing but I sure did take some days off like it did. Yes, a old friend passed this week and I will be reflecting on that more in days to come. But there was no reason to not sit at the computer.
So yes I am a walking, or in this chase, sitting contradiction. I can in one breathe say one thing and do the opposite in the next breathe. I could sit here and beat myself up for it but why really? We all do it. Contradiction is one of the things that makes us human. As well as the one thing that so many people try to hide. This is what I will the think of when I tell myself that I have no time for writing and watch television instead. But it will never come into play when I have to do the dishes!

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